All right.  Talk about something else.  

Rachel had said to me, when we were putting our shoes on to go back down to the bridge on Saturday (she visits on the weekends and parks down by the bridge, because the river is in the way and only has a pedestrian bridge, but driving here by the road takes three times as long - so I walk down to meet her and then we walk the dog, come back to the house and visit, then I walk her back to her car so we can keep chatting) "Aren't you bringing your bear spray?"  I told her, no, we weren't going far but when I was coming up the hill by the farm with the sheep and goats I could hear something crashing in the bush so I stopped.  A large black thing was down by the fence on the other side of the pasture.  As I watched, it stood up and started climbing over the fence, black and furry, must have been five feet tall at least when standing full up.  My brain registered that it could be a bear, but it still looked kinda like a man in a fur suit.  It flopped over the fence and curled up in a ball on the other side, as if laughing at itself, then got up and ambled off on all fours.  (Away from me, I should add).

So I'm not leaving the house without my bear spray now.  

 Got vaccinated on Wednesday.

On the way there in the car, I started thinking about how if they'd done this four months ago, I might have been able to go and visit Dad before he died.  This line of thinking was a deep and direct hole into the hell of would/could/should have and...

So I'm sitting there at the table, waiting for the nurse to give me the shot and she's talking, talking, talking and asking me about my health history and then explaining the vaccine and suddenly I realize I'm about to start crying and there's nothing I can do about it.  So I let it happen.  She was unperturbed, gave me the shot anyway.  She thought I was crying because I was scared of being poisoned by the vaccine but that wasn't it.  I just kept thinking of Dad saying that he would be the first in line for the vaccination if it meant that he could see his family and go back to his normal life.  He never got to do that.  Too late...

Anyway.  No ill effects so far.  Nurse said I was very brave.  I didn't get a sticker, though.  disappointed about that.  

Last night I dreamt Dad was still alive and for some reason wanted a puppy.  So I was looking for one for him.