comments, if you got 'em about what Chris Rock said, to kaiel(at)shaw.ca

another job interview, for next monday. A non-retail job! hope hope

Comedian Chris Rock has said, 'A man is only as faithful as his options'.

Oh, a very long five days. So hard to be the one at home.

I've been applying for work, but so far no bites. a couple of expressions of "interest in seeing my resume" which were followed by silence, one job interview followed by a phone call to ask for the phone numbers of my references, then after that silence too. I think that's the thing that sucks the most about applying for work, the fact that nobody actually ever calls you and says, "you don't have the job and here's why", there's just a vacuum.

Still struggling with a lot of emotion. And the same questions about responsibility for actions. Boundaries. Where do I end and others begin? So many of my current relationships, with the guys I know in prison, are one-sided. I know that in some ways, this is not ultimately helpful to them in reentering the outside world, to give them what they need and not ask for anything for myself. Some of them are very perceptive, and tell me things about myself that I hadn't known, but I try to be pretty upbeat with them, they have enough problems of their own without me sharing mine. Not that mine (I watched Casablanca last night) are worth a hill of beans in the face of a world full of trouble, but they seem pretty important to me. Perspective. All depends on where you stand.

I struggle to retain connection to my life. So far I'm succeeding. But we'll see.

Karen from AVP is in Bali, and is keeping a diary with fantastic pictures and stories.

M and I were trying to decide this morning how the dogs know it's 8am. I never let them outside before 8, because as soon as they go out they have to do a perimeter bark to scare off any birds/squirrels/raccoons that might be unwary enough to be in the yard. It's noisy with both of them running pell-mell and barking wildly, and I don't want to disturb the neighbours. But they seem to know that they won't be allowed out until 8, and if I don't go to open the patio door right at eight, they stand next to it and cough meaningfully. M thinks that they recognize the program change on CBC radio, the change in tone of the wrap-up talking and/or the little piece of music they play on the hour. I've always wondered if they listen to the radio, the dogs, and maybe that answers my question. The kids hear it, I know that. The other day I overheard Ian singing a little song that he had made up, to the tune of The Ride of the Valkyries... The kids also whistle the classical pieces M plays on his guitar, little echoes going on around the house.

Things I do with my time now.

Homework. Lots of it. Marxist criminology, correctional policy...
Make food. Pea soup with the Thanksgiving hambone, apple pie with apples from the tree outside...
Laundry. This in itself is almost a full-time job. I suspect Rachel of secretly being three people, she certainly wears enough clothes to qualify.
Work of the unpaid variety. Organizing a hotdog and popcorn thing to raise money for the crime prevention group, working at the community police station, helping at M's work.
Write letters. Lots of that, too.
Go to classes. Tuesdays at Simon Fraser, and for the next little while Saturdays and Wednesday evenings at Malaspina, for a counselling skills course.
Look for work. This is an exercise in not applying for retail jobs that I know I would probably get, and finding that I'm not really qualified yet for anything more interesting. Sigh.
Smoke... and hang out with M.
Naps.
Tai Chi. Which I am greatly enjoying, and I can do the beginner's set without someone prompting me; white stork spreads wings, present flowers...
Talk to the kids. And read to them. Play with them. Also the dogs. Although they don't talk back much.

In other words, at the moment I am blessed. I don't have to do anything I don't enjoy....

In the process of trying to get to the play at William Head, my car died, leaving me stranded by the side of the road. Since we don't want to put any more money into it, and a tow truck to come out of Nanaimo and tow it back would be expensive, we called a salvage yard and had it taken away. So no more car for me. I practiced this afternoon driving M's RAV, which is a standard, I haven't driven one since I crashed my own car, but it came back to me.

I enjoyed the Community Policing station. I'll have to answer the phone, which will be good for me to practice. I also have to call a list of shut-ins whose families have requested that someone check on them regularly.

I did end up taking on another volunteer thing. I'm training on Friday to work at the Community Police Station downtown. I've also been working at M's office, cleaning up their financials again. I always like working there, it's so quiet, I do paperwork and no-one interrupts me, in my own businesses where the necessary paperwork was accompanied by panic from customers, staff, suppliers... Or I could do it at home, with help from kids and dogs.

Long day today. Went to school, listened to Dr. Lowman's conspiracy theories...

Hey, Graeme, need some ideas for what to name your (hypothetical) future baby?

well, I'm smoking again. Yup, quit for 4 and a half years, started again in August. One thing I've noticed is that I have to take extras when I go to Vancouver. When I get off the bus downtown, I have taken to sitting in a little courtyard on the corner of Granville and having a cigarette. Inevitably, someone will come up to me and ask for a cigarette. Same on the ferry. So I take extra. I figure if I can have my little habit, so can the homeless folk. They always ask so diffidently, one the other day said, in greeting, "You're going to hate me", but I was already rummaging through my bag for the pack I had just put back in there, and his face brightened right away. They usually say, "Do you have an extra cigarette?" I always say, "I sure do," and give it to them with a big smile. Then I warn them, "they're kind of strong", and they never seem to mind. On Tuesday a young man who told me he was a heroin addict repaid me for the cigarette by doing his rap stuff for me. (Mind if I sit down and share a smoke with you? What kind of music do you like? I'm a rapper, wanna hear my stuff?) He told me his name was MC Vital, and although I'm sure I'm no judge of rap, it didn't sound too trite. Afterwards he said, "you have to applaud", so I did, laughing, and thanked him, and we shook hands. If I'm going to be panhandled, I may as well enjoy it. Was it good for you?

I have been somewhat lazy, since quitting work. I've been doing my schoolwork, and cleaning the house and rearranging the storage area in the basement, but I've also been hanging around in my pajamas and having naps in the afternoon. I saw one of my former employees today and she told me I looked relaxed. I certainly feel relaxed. The only fly in my ointment is a rather nasty email war between members of AVP, that they have seen fit to involve the rest of us in. I feel as if I have wandered into a minefield, and a misstep could bring a lot of grief. Fingers are being pointed, and blame tossed around, in a way that most definitely does not bring out the principles of non-violence. I begin to wonder if the volunteers are perhaps less together than the prisoners. I thoroughly enjoy the correspondence I get from the guys, their letters are great, but the volunteers are given to back-stabbing and advancing their personal agendas...

"We're wearing our red hats and yelling "yoohoo" a lot, because fall is great for birding, but it sucks to get shot" -- some Canadian comedy show I was watching at work

I took a book out of the library called "The Accountable Life". It was an interesting book, and I've lost it. So much for that.

I've been home most of the day, working on my resume, to send to a contact in the Government of Nunavut, and making dinner. Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door. Jazzy wanted to eat them, but I didn't let her.

Went to cancel my insurance on the business, and Glen, my insurance agent, asked me what was next. I said, no more businesses. He said, "The knife shop at Woodgrove is for sale". I told him I wasn't allowed to play with knives...

well, tomorrow is my last day at the lottery. I'm overwhelmed by the number of customers and mall employees who have expressed sadness at my leaving. Betty from the luggage store wants to have coffee with me on Wednesday mornings from now on, so I guess my feeling that we were becoming friends is correct. As always, I'm surprised that anyone wants to be my friend, but I'm happy anyway.

They lured me down to the mall on Sunday, Cindy and Liz my employees, Betty, and Eddie the security guard, to give me a card that they had secretly had a whole bunch of the customers sign. And a bunch of scratch and wins as a going-away present! One of my older admirers, Doug, who always wants to hold my hand, brought me a pink-iced heart-shaped biscuit. Which was actually very good, and I was hungry at the time as I'd forgotten to buy bananas so had no breakfast.

We signed up for Tai Chi on Sunday, and went to our first class yesterday. I feel very clumsy, but I found it oddly relaxing. It's a mixed bunch, the class, all shapes and sizes and ages, and lots of talking and laughing. I didn't concentrate as much as I could have, as I was watching M out of the corner of my eye. He seemed to be getting great joy out of it, and as I know he's waited a long time to start taking the classes it was fun to watch. I'm always confronted by my inability to reproduce movement that is made by someone facing me, poor spatial relations or something, I remember that from when I used to do aerobics in Edmonton.

Went to Vancouver yesterday, for my first class of the fall term. M came with me, and we went to the Vancouver Art Gallery. Art was a bit sparse, they were dismantling the first and second floors after exhibitions, but Emily Carr was on the fourth floor and some assorted BC pictures on the third. Enjoyed wandering around looking at them, despite the bag full of newly-purchased textbooks that would have been better left in the coatcheck. Emily Carr is best when she sticks to trees and doesn't try to render buildings. But her trees are such amazing colors, like essence of tree. We watched and discussed the changing sky from the ferry, to see how the edges corresponded to a painting M is currently working on. I'm very much liking being an observer in the process of his painting, it's making me want to do something creative of my own... (other than have babies)

I'm hesitating over taking on another volunteer thing. I had thought I might apply to either the Crisis Line or the Women's Assault line, both are currently looking for trainees. But I've registered for a counselling skills course up at Malaspina in October/November, I've got my SFU courses, Crimestoppers and AVP, and theoretically I should be looking for work. I begin to think I'll have a hard time finding a job if I can only work Monday mornings. I'm exaggerating, but you see what I mean. There are only so many hours in the day... (although, admittedly, more now since I've taken up smoking again)

Went to Perkins today, while M's car was having the engine light checked at the transmission place. (when we got back, the mechanic said, "I cut the wire to the fuse", and on the way home we asked each other whether he meant he had just cut the wire to the engine light and voila, solved the problem) Last time we were at Perkins, M asked for two vanilla lattes and they gave us sugar-free vanilla. Which I hate, I can't stand the taste of aspartame and it gives me a stomach ache. They are so stunned there, now, I want to ask them if I can go make my own latte, M said the shots today poured for 2 seconds. Should be 18-20 seconds... The woman working seemed perturbed that M was specifying NOT sugarfree vanilla for me, (he always speaks up for me) and that he questioned whether it was one shot, after watching her pour both the two second shots into my latte. She said, "yes, one shot". She gave me my latte for free today, but she was pretty abrupt about it. I want to say to them, when I go in there and it's All New Staff yet again, "look, I'm not trying to be difficult, but I ran this place for four years and you're not using that machine properly". Last time, also, Al, who we sold the shop to, was there, and he asked me what one of the nozzles on the cappuccino machine was for. I showed him which button ran it, and told him it was for hot water for Americanos. Don't know how they've been managing to make Americanos, if they didn't know that. For crying out loud, it's a $20,000 cappuccino machine, you owe it to yourself to learn how to operate it.

School will be starting again soon for everyone. I think M is going to come with me on the first day, to Simon Fraser, so that we can go for lunch and hit the art gallery downtown Vancouver. Kids are either nervous (Kirsten), unconcerned (Ian), or excited (Rachel). Ian had hoped to skip grade five, but it seems he won't be doing that.

I was standing at work watching the Olympics, and I happened to mention to one of the customers that I didn't understand synchronized swimming. I told him it looked to me like cheerleading underwater. He agreed, and said that he was marvelling at the number of bizarre things being called sport in this Olympics, and that he was waiting eagerly for hide-and-seek to be added, because he felt he could definitely qualify.

Rachel has tried to make easymac in the microwave without adding water, and the resulting smell is on a par with burnt gymshorts.