tomorrow in foods class, Kirsten will be making grilled cheese sandwiches. I told her that when I was in high school my Home Ec teacher was a very large lady, and she said that her teacher is also voluminous. She said that her teacher eats most of what they cook, to test it, you know. And I was thinking, what a cool job; forcing teenagers to feed you. Sweet revenge.

Well. I've been wading through statistical research methods for over a month now, struggling frantically to put together a paper that makes sense so that I could pretend I knew what I was talking about. The paper was due on Thursday, and on Tuesday I went to class and the professor decided that TWO DAYS before the paper was due was a good time to talk about EXACTLY what he wanted us to do for the paper. Needless to say, without prior direction I had not done half of it, had gotten a wrong-headed notion about some of the applicable tests, and had to stay up all night Tuesday in order to hand it in as planned on Wednesday afternoon. (I'm not on campus on Thursdays).

I'm too old for all-nighters, and of course on Wednesday I had to go get on buses and ferries and skytrains for the trek to Burnaby. It was spring break for the kids, and when I was wandering around the house after 90 minutes sleep Wednesday morning, Kirsten said to me, "Why don't you take Rachel to school with you, she can be your guide dog, since you're stunned". So I did, and we had a very nice day. I just went up and handed in my paper, which Rachel thought was funny; "We came all the way up here to staple your paper in the library and put it in a box???" I took her to MacDonalds for lunch, her choice, and we were early back to Horseshoe Bay to catch the ferry, and she played on the playground for a while. One of the cool things I discovered earlier this term is that since both my lectures are in the big halls, the university records the lectures and puts them on the net, so I can listen to them at my leisure if I don't feel like going. I still have to go to my seminars and labs, but on Wednesdays all I have had is the one lecture, so I've skipped it quite a bit and listened to it at home. There's no video, but the audio's good, and it's great to be able to pause, and to be able to sit in my pajamas with all my stuff spread out, instead of in a little seat with a tiny table surrounded by people who talk and fidget and smell of perfume...

However. I am almost done. Next Monday and Tuesday are my last exams, for which I am studying pretty hard as they're both hard courses. Then next Wednesday Miguel and I are going to England, to see my Grannie. And some art galleries, including the Whistler/Turner/Monet exhibition at the Tate in London. We're only going for ten days, as I can't see leaving the kids with my parents longer than that. Then I have to come back and look for work.

A few years ago I read The Nazi Doctors by Robert Jay Lifton. If you're interested at all in the way that humans can commit atrocities against other humans, I highly recommend it. Despite being a very thick book, it is very engrossing.

During my research for a stats paper I'm supposed to be writing, I came across this.
It backs up a lot of Lifton's ideas, as to the rise of Nazi-style thought and action being reproducible at any time in human history if the infrastructure and public opinion is right... In other words, the Nazis were not merely a random group of psychopaths, but what they were was woven into the fabric of their society.

I got locked out from this thing for a few weeks, finally figured out how to get back in...

Kirsten is babysitting tonight, for a family down the street. She's almost 14, and it doesn't seem like ten minutes since I was that age, setting out to spend the evening looking after someone else's kids. I walked her down, as it's dark, and as I was walking back I was thinking about how hard it is to turn them loose on the world.

Enchanting a buffalo ... A buffalo that escaped from an auction in Rapid City, S.D., ended up in a dressing room at the Rushmore Plaza Civic Center where it spent a couple of hours gazing into a mirror. The animal had jumped over a steel panel and gone down an alley into the area reserved for visiting sports teams. Sales staff decided to leave the buffalo alone with its thoughts until the auction was over. Afterward, it was coaxed back into captivity. -- The Globe and Mail, 3 February 2005, p. A 16.

I'm enjoying my new courses. Even the stats course, apparently one does not actually need to know how to do the calculations manually, only how to persuade a computer program to do them. And since the computer program is almost identical to Excel in its layout, I'm breathing easier. School two days a week is strange, though, I seem to be spending an awful lot of time on modes of public transportation, listening to other people talk on cell phones. The other day I dozed on a bus between downtown Vancouver and Horseshoe Bay while a woman shouted rapid-fire Spanish into her cell phone.

Next week I'm off to Nashville. If I live through this phase of things. Although I have quite enjoyed it, I won't be sorry to have it be over. Some decisions made by the organizers of the conference have made for some very angry people on the phone. I've managed so far not to take any of it personally, which is easier over the phone somehow.

Well, school starts again next week. I have to take the statistics course I've been putting off. I've got the text book, and I've been reading it. I understood the first four chapters, and was feeling kinda smug, but the day before yesterday I began to sink in the fifth chapter. The little glimmers of comprehension I'd been relying on turned out to be all well and fine but not the real thing, as the nice easy ground covered in the first four chapters was merely intended to lull me into a false sense of security. The real thing: Read paragraph. Huh? Read paragraph again. Right. That's what I thought you said. And I don't get it.

It looks like English, on the page, but I think it may have been written by trolls.

Sometimes the problem with discussing things is that it pins them down at a certain level. I have been living with something that was said a month or so ago, to do with doubts about relationships, that set me to crying on the ferry for an hour and a half in front of strangers after M dropped me off to go to my last class at SFU. Last night, as we were going to bed, I suggested that if this little piece of pinned-down stuff were to no longer be true, that I would appreciate it if he could let me know, if and when that happened. He replied, "Oh, no, I don't have those doubts any more."

I want to question when it stopped being 'truth', but I also don't want to continue to give it any validity. I suspect it was almost a throw-away remark, and I don't want to know that either. The fact that he gives it no weight now suggests that it had little weight at the time really but was just a manifestation of his state of mind (conflicted). I am cautiously hopeful. Time will tell.

It's a new year. I thank the universe for all the beauty in my life, and hope that those in distress from natural disaster will find some comfort, if comfort is possible. Happy New Year to my scattered readers. (I mean that in a geographical and not a cerebral sense, you understand).

At the tai chi class yesterday we finished learning the whole set! I still feel kind of awkward, and I don't entirely know what to do with my hands for all the moves, but the feet are good. And, the best thing, is that even though I'm currently suffering through a full right-side attack of knee/wrist/elbow swelling and pain, I still managed to do an hour and a half class, and don't feel any the worse for it today.

time travel?

Christmas is almost here. This year I am NOT working retail, and I'm not so Scrooge-ish, on the whole. I've been baking, and I've done some Christmas shopping, and I haven't been yelled at by a single frustrated Christmas shopper. Bliss.

"Geek at 9 O'Clock, Carl"

"Prairie dogs, those little pups popping in and out of holes on vacant lots and rural rangeland, are talking up a storm. They have different 'words' for tall human in yellow shirt, short human in green shirt, coyote, deer, red-tailed hawk, and many other creatures", says The Associated Press. "They can even coin new terms for things they've never seen before, independently coming up with the same calls or words, according to Con Slobodchikoff, a Northern Arizona University biology professor and prairie dog linguist." Most scientists think prairie dogs simply make sounds that reflect their inner condition. That means all they're saying are things like "ouch" or "hungry" or "eek". But Prof. Slobodchikoff believes prairie dogs are communicating detailed information to one another about what animals are showing up in their colonies, and maybe even gossiping. -- The Globe and Mail, December 7, 2004, p. A20.

Yes, I'm supposed to be writing a paper. But this is much more interesting.

FROGS!

Kids came home from school yesterday with a warning about a cougar in the area. One of the tips they give for cougar interactions is:

"Stay calm. Talk to the cougar in a confident voice."

I wonder how the cougar will recognize that one's voice is confident? And what will that accomplish? It also doesn't tell you what to say....

Well, it looks as if I'll be going back to work tomorrow. At M's work, on a project that requires someone to answer the phones and speak French to callers. A challenge... It was funny, because just after Miguel told me that, the Jehovah's Witness lady who came to the door the first day I was off work showed up again....

It's grey and rainy here this morning, typical west coast weather. Kids have gone to school, and I'm sitting here with my coffee and my notes for a paper on conceptions of power in critical criminological theory.

I'm thinking that my feeling that I wouldn't get the job I interviewed for last week was correct. The woman who interviewed me said she would make her decision by the end of last week, and no-one called. The joys of the 'looking for work' vacuum. I worked at Community Policing on Friday, and for once the phone rang a fair bit.

The library had a book on hold for me, Rupert Ross' "Returning to the Teachings", on Aboriginal approaches to justice, and I picked it up on Saturday. One sentence that stands out, so far, for me:

"Sacred justice is found when the importance of restoring understanding and balance to relationships has been acknowledged" (27).

"Do not pursue what is illusory -- property and position: all that is gained at the expense of your nerves decade after decade and can be confiscated in one fell night. Live with a steady superiority over life -- don't be afraid of misfortune, and do not yearn after happiness; it is after all, all the same: the bitter doesn't last forever, and the sweet never fills the cup to overflowing". -- Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

I was sitting on the school bus with Ian, driving through Vancouver, and in the darkness he reached out to hold my hand. We sat in silence for a while, as Chinatown slid past the windows. I thought of how much joy he and his sisters have brought into my life, and how I wished I could stop the moment and just stay in it for a while. He said, "I'm glad you came with me, Mum". I thought about his mind, and how it slides away from my understanding now that he is getting older and doesn't share his every thought like he did when he was little. He had slyly pointed out the girl he likes, earlier in the day, and I noticed, in the dark, that she was sitting in the next seat. Does she watch him? I don't know. I'm glad I went with him, too.

off to school today, and then tomorrow I'm going with Ian's class to see the Anne Frank exhibit and ScienceWorld in Vancouver. 30 grade 5's, shudder.

I don't think I'll be getting the job I interviewed for yesterday. It was a decidedly antagonistic interview, conducted by a stone-faced woman. Fun fun fun.

comments, if you got 'em about what Chris Rock said, to kaiel(at)shaw.ca

another job interview, for next monday. A non-retail job! hope hope

Comedian Chris Rock has said, 'A man is only as faithful as his options'.