in the middle of the night

Miguel asked me what I'd been doing, while I couldn't sleep. I told him I'd been thinking about being dead. He was a bit alarmed, and asked me if there was anything I'd like to talk about, but there isn't, really.

There's something about the prevalence of darkness that makes my thoughts slower, and closer to something eternal. Add to that the usual clarity that comes with lack of food, and it's been a bit surreal lately. When I say I'm thinking about being dead, it's more that I'm thinking about all the things that no-one will ever be able to understand, the things that have been in front of me but I can't put into words.

Like how the light used to fall, in the alley behind the coffee shop, when I still smoked, and I snuck out to have a cigarette in the late afternoon. And I wished I was at home with my kids rather than making muffins, because time was passing in their lives and I was missing it.

I guess partly because Kirsten's leaving home soon, my thoughts are backward rather than forward. I don't have to think as much about work (I say that, but I woke up this morning at six o'clock remembering a firearms prohibition I forgot to enter) and in some ways I'm trying to make sense of the past so I can move on. Is that possible? I think I'm probably about half way through things now, and although at times I think I haven't accomplished anything, I also want to remind myself that I've had such a varied and interesting life in many ways.

la la la

Just to add to the fun of court week, which this was, I got the virulent stomach flu that has been terrorizing the town. Monday at midnight I was very sorry that I had eaten a full dinner at 5pm, and by 3 am I was wishing for a speedy death. I haven't eaten a meal since, I've been drinking tea and juice and yogurt Tubes and hoping that this will keep me alive for a while longer. Unfortunately it's hard to sleep on an empty stomach. Food just still smells so terrible I can't see putting it in my mouth...

another day

Rachel and I went swimming today, while the others did yet more shopping. Nice warm pool, and not too many people. We also went out for dinner at Red Lobster and that was also lovely. lots of yummy seafood. Tomorrow it's back to Edmonton but I did manage to find an 8 am service, so I'll be going to that.

Dad had his knee operation yesterday, and all went well. He's recovering, although he's still in a lot of pain.

shopping

well, the girls got to do some shopping this afternoon at Chinook. I actually found a daybooK in the style I like at Chapters so the hunt is over for this year. I also bought a beautiful amethyst ring with the money Grannie left me.

we're heading back to Edmonton on Sunday, but I'm hoping to go to church here on Sunday morning, if there's an early service, not sure where yet. we don't get to have Communion ever at home, because we're only lay leaders, and I miss it.

so many people here...

taking Luci to the Lake

tomorrow we're skiing. yay!

inertia

recently I've been thinking about inertia and how it relates to the can of rice pudding in my kitchen windowsill

Rachel went out trick-or-treating and one of the houses she went to gave her a glass, an actual honest-to-goodness drinking glass and a can of rice pudding

the rice pudding can has a deep dent in it. I don't know if we'll ever be able to bring ourselves to eat the contents

but it sits, upside down in the kitchen windowsill, in amongst a piece of rose quartz, a jar of chopsticks, an eggcup shaped like a burro with a basket, a plastic frog, a potato that looks like a person, two soysauce dishes, an empty sherry bottle, a small jar of oregano that I grew this summer, two stained glass things that need hanging up, and the phone

chances are that the phone will get put away, eventually. the rest of the collection will probably stay there unless it's perishable (like the potato) until I move it somewhere else

there are only so many places to be. this is as good as any.

Christmas at my grandpa's house

Just for fun, here's a few of the songs my grandpa would play at full volume on Christmas Day...

Whoa.

Just, whoa. Nobody was hurt... Media were calling again today.

music for cooking

This weekend's music for working in the kitchen - KLF - The White Room,
from a CD I finally found at Alibris.

Also this I made Lobster Thermidor for a dinner party and went to a karaoke party. Which was heavy on the Johnny Cash and Patsy Cline. Lots of fun.

lemon loafing

I made lemon loaf this evening. The teenagers have descended on it. Ian is on his third piece. I thought Miguel was asleep, but when I yelled, "lemon loaf's done" he responded.

Finished a project at work this evening, and sent it off. I'm sure they will send more but it's a good feeling at the moment. The house is sort of clean, we've got the Christmas decorating started - well, we've brought the decorations up. They're awaiting general inspiration.

The dog is not feeling well. He barfed his supper all over Kirsten while we were in the middle of watching Wall-E last evening. Then he shivered and smacked his lips all night. Not sure what that's about. He's currently cleaning up lemon loaf crumbs from the kitchen floor and contemplating whether he'll get in trouble if he starts on the crumbs on the counter (and yes, I do know what he's thinking, he's not the brightest animal). So he can't be that ill.

The Hamlet Council voted for an alcohol ban at Christmas this year - which should make life a bit quieter over the holiday, if it goes the same as the last time they had a ban.

home alone

As I took today off, because we're leaving this afternoon, I have the whole house to myself for the morning. Admittedly, I did go to work at my usual time to make sure that everything was ok - my boss walked in about ten minutes later and said, "What are you doing here?" and I said, "I'm leaving, really." He answered the phone at one point, while I was rummaging through things on my desk, and told the person on the other end that I was "away for the weekend". And by nine o'clock I was back here.

Amazingly everything was pretty much ok. The last time I tried to leave on holiday, back in March, I was still at work twenty minutes before my plane was due to leave and I almost missed my ride to the airport.

So I made some tea, put CBC 2 on, and I've been puttering about peacefully, made some rice krispie squares for the bake sale this afternoon, tidied up, had a nice long shower. The dog is sleeping and ignoring me. The phone doesn't ring. I've still got time to pack and run some little errands before everyone comes home for lunch. This free morning is almost as much of a treat as going off to Yellowknife will be...

happy birthday to me

Tuesday was my birthday. It was a good day, pretty quiet at work so I got lots done and then the Beavers had a party for me. Lots of balloons and cupcakes, tin-foil crowns and red Kool-aid, first time I've ever played musical chairs to Nickelback, hordes of six-year-olds giggling, we read stories and then Karen and Patti and I went back to Patti's place for the more grown-up portion of the evening, some wine. Not much, though, because Wednesday is of course a work day.

Kirsten and Rachel made me a beautiful cheesecake, from scratch. It was cooling in the fridge and when Ian opened the door at one point, it escaped and fell on the floor. I understand there were tears, I wasn't there, but really the cake was wonderfully tasty and we covered it with berries so the damage didn't show. Really it's the first time in a long time that anyone made me a cake without any pathetic prompting from me. (Nobody ever makes me a birthday cake. sniff)

This weekend we're off to Yellowknife to do some Christmas shopping, because of the miracle of Aeroplan.

darkness falls

It's getting darker. The sun's totally set by 2:30. I like the dark, I find it cozy, but it makes it so I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Our bedroom is by the front door, and at 8:20 this morning Miguel was standing in the doorway with his coat on, and he said to me, "Not doing the work thing this morning?" But I did. Really, I've never been very good at getting out of bed, and maybe I just like a good excuse.

cold

It is -27 tonight. Chilly.

Rachel went trick-or-treating, and someone gave her a can of rice pudding and a drinking glass...

Kirsten still has a cold.

Girls, well, one girl, is phoning Ian.

Miguel had a painting (well, a print) at an auction on Saturday and it went for over 1200 dollars.

The Body Shop sent my perfume (sandalwood) and some lovely amber soap, and two little free samples of vanilla spice stuff. I had a bubble bath.

It is court week. My office is full of lawyers.

sunrise on the bay

the view from my window at work, at 9:30 this morning.

lazy shade of winter

today...has been a long day. and it's getting cold.

giving up the upper hand

It's funny, you know. When we were younger and I wanted Miguel to do more things around the house, and he just wouldn't, I did them myself. Painted rooms, took up carpet, unclogged drains, dug gardens, mowed lawns. Now that we're older and presumably wiser, he is more likely to do the sort of manly things that I previously would have loved him to do. Some of our friends that have only known him since we moved up here, have commented that I'm lucky that he's handy.

But there's an uncharitable part of me that remembers stripping wallpaper when I was 6 months pregnant, planting vegetable gardens and painting fences and all that stuff for years, plus all the cooking and housework, and I want to say to them, "He hasn't always been like that. It's a recent thing."

But I don't tell them. I wonder how much of what he's doing here is motivated by the sheer danger that surrounds us so much of the time, the cold could kill us if we allowed our house to deteriorate, and maybe that's the difference here, I don't know.

What I do know is that relinquishing up the upper hand is hard. If I'm being honest (which I am) I have to say that it's difficult for me to give him credit for these endeavours. I always thought that it was what I wanted, for him to help around the house, but maybe the reality is that I became used to the paradigm that featured me having the moral high ground.

And the irony (maybe that's too global, I always tell the kids that coincidences and unfortunate turns of events aren't per se ironic) is that now that he's doing these things, I can't be happy for his personal growth because nobody in our lives at the moment can see that he's had a free ride up til now....... Although really, what does it matter.

blowing in the wind

We drove out to the cabin today to retrieve the water jugs and make sure the oil valves were turned off, for the winter. It's cold enough that the water out there is frozen, Miguel walked out on the lake a bit. There isn't very much snow yet, but it's really windy. We saw this little fox in his winter coat, on the way out - I thought he was a patch of snow but then he moved.

barge fun

Our appliances are here! It's like Christmas, but with dishwashers. We ordered a new stove and dishwasher, and also a washer and dryer, to come up on the barge. I was over at a friend's house last night, and he mentioned that when he went to get his pellets for his stove off the beach where the barge left them, there was a large crate with our name on it. We got pellets too, but that's nowhere near as exciting.

The old dishwasher was barely pretending to wash dishes, and the stove couldn't hold a temperature in the oven. Which is important, given the amount of baking that gets done by the teenagers around here. The dryer didn't shut off by itself, and the washer had that "I'm going to die soon" burning oil smell. We've been here two years now, in this house, so this is happy anniversary, house. Today was the dragging upstairs phase of things, and Miguel and I lay on the floor in the kitchen for a lot of the evening, trying to hook up the dishwasher but it's done now. Tomorrow will be washer/dryer day, after church. too much fun! And if they ever bring us water again (I begin to wonder) we will be able to try out the dishwasher...

zombie movies to add to the list

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