Somewhere we are walking together on a beach. We don't talk much. There's no need. I have never known another companion as loving and unconditionally loyal as you. I know that I will stop crying, because my memories will always be full of you. The god that cares for furry animals has charge of you now. I hope that he has a cupboard full of treats, some small stuffed animals that he won't mind if you chew, and that he lets you sleep on his bed. I know I have to let go. It's just hard.

Thank-you to everyone who has reached out, here, in email, and on the phone. It means a lot.

My son is off to Quebec for the Canada-wide science fair. He's taking my laptop, because he runs his robot software off it, and for some reason I can't ever manage to post to my weblog from any other computer. So it might be quiet here until the 22nd.

The vets phoned at 10:15. They put me on the speakerphone in the operating room, and told me that they couldn't do anything for Jazzy. I've got an enormous lump in my throat and I wish so so much that I could have been there to say goodbye. They didn't bring her round from the anaesthetic, and they said it was peaceful. I don't feel peaceful. I want my furry friend. I want to go upstairs and find her waiting for me on my bed. I want her to come and steal my chips. Bark at me in the mornings until I provide milk-bones. Flip her food dish around when she's hungry. Bite visitors.

They are sending me her ashes.

xxxxxxxx's -- I stole the questions from Kirsten's friend Kelsey - but the answers are mine.
HAVE YOU EVER:

(x) smoked a cigarette (mmmmmmm cigarettes. five packs a day mmmmmm)

(x) crashed a friend's car (Miguel's. backed it into a parked car.)

( ) stolen a car

(x) been in love

(x) been dumped (he said "I think you're too immature." some things don't change)

( ) shoplifted

( ) been fired

(x) been in a fist fight

(x) snuck out of your parent's house (um, yeah... let's hope they don't read my blog.)

(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back (AND he had to get someone else to tell me so. hmph)

( ) been arrested (but been picked up by cops and taken home, after sneaking out of house - see above)

( ) gone on a blind date

(x) lied to a friend (I was a professional liar. told you what you wanted to hear)

(x) skipped school (every single Monday-morning-8-am class in my university career)

(x) seen someone die

(x) had a crush on one of your internet friends (Oh always.)

(x) been to Canada (live there.)

( ) been to Mexico

(x) been on a plane

( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire (no but a propane explosion took my eyebrows and all the hair on my arms...)

(x) eaten Sushi (mmmmmm sushi. then cigarettes.)

(x) been skiing (tons when we lived in Lake Louise)

( ) met someone in person from the internet (and there are some I've known for ten years.)

(x) taken painkillers

(x) love someone or miss someone right now

(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by

(x) made a snow angel

(x) had a tea party

(x) flown a kite

(x) built a sand castle

(x) gone puddle jumping

(x) played dress up?

(x) jumped into a pile of leaves?

(x) gone sledding

(x) cheated while playing a game

(x) been lonely

(x) fallen asleep at work/school (got kicked out of Film Studies for sleeping through Citizen Kane)

( ) used a fake id (no, but I did drink in bars in Edmonton and Vancouver when I was sixteen and seventeen)

(x) watched the sun set (although not recently, it's given that up)

(x) felt an earthquake (my mother yelled at me - she was downstairs and she thought I was throwing things)

(x) touched a snake (NOT on purpose - I hate snakes)

(x) slept beneath the stars

(x) been tickled (however am no longer ticklish)

(x) been robbed (at gunpoint)

(x) been misunderstood (oh endlessly. because I'm abrupt.)

(x) petted a reindeer/goat (goat.)

(x) won a contest (I won windsurfing lessons in grade nine)

(x) run a red light (and crashed the car I was driving. hmmm. trend?)

( ) been suspended from school (no, but been on academic probation)

(x) been in a car crash (see above)

( ) had braces (no, just have crooked teeth.)

(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (only a pint?)

(x) danced in the moonlight (at my brother's wedding)

(x) liked the way you look (for about three days in 1985)

(x) witnessed a crime (see above)

(x) questioned your heart (but it has few answers)

(x) been obsessed with post-it notes (not only obsessed. Entranced.)

(x) squished barefoot through the mud

(x) been lost

(x) been to the opposite side of the country (and the top!)

(x) swam in the ocean (swam in the Pacific, Atlantic, Mediterranean, and fallen in the Arctic Ocean)

(x) felt like dying (but I got over it)

(x) cried yourself to sleep

(x) played cops and robbers

(x) recently coloured with crayons? (yes, with my small visitor at work.)

(x) sung karaoke (at new years)

(x) paid for a meal with only coins (in Europe)

(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't do (ah, yes.)

(x) made prank phone calls (in grade nine. we called boys and left messages for them to call cool girls.)

(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (grape pop. ewww)

(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue

( ) danced in the rain (don't think so, anyway)

(x) written a letter to Santa Claus

( ) been kissed under a mistletoe

(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about (most notably on the west coast trail

(x) blown bubbles (this was daily at our house when the kids were little)

(x) made a bonfire on the beach (Long Beach.)

(x) gone roller skating (oh, rollerskating. in the arena in Vulcan.)

(x) had a wish come true

(x) worn pearls (my grannie's, she left them to me)

( ) jumped off a bridge

(x) ate dog/cat food (milk bone someone put in my locker in high school)

(x) sang in the shower (always)

(x) had a dream that you married someone else (Prince. Don't laugh.)

(x) glued your hand to something (staircase from a doll's house)

( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole

( ) kissed a fish

(x) sat on a roof top

(x) screamed at the top of your lungs

(x) done a one-handed cartwheel (my one gymnastic accomplishment, never did get the backflips)

( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours? (hmm. may have come close once or twice.)

(x) stayed up all night (especially when I worked midnights.)

(x) didnt take a shower for a week (again, West Coast Trail)

(x) picked and ate an apple right off the tree (our back yard in Nanaimo)

(x) climbed a tree (lived up them when I was a kid)

( ) had a tree house

(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone

(x) believe in ghosts (maybe)

( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes (I have three pairs.)

( ) gone streaking

(x) gone doorbell ditching (this is turning into 'sign of a misspent youth)

(x) played chicken

(x) pushed into a pool/hot tub with all your clothes on (well, a bathtub. In residence at University.)

(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger (a biker guy on the street in Nanaimo. Made my day)

( ) broken a bone (nope. just teeth.)

(x) been easily amused (as with this quiz....)

(x) caught a fish then ate it (yes! last summer)

( ) caught a butterfly

(x) laughed so hard you cried (watching Beavis and Butthead's movie, when he's being cornholio. goes with the easily amused thing, I think)

(x) cried so hard you laughed

( ) cheated on a test

( ) have a Britney Spears CD

(x) French braided someones hair (small girls. I love doing their hair.)

( ) gone skinny dippin in a pool

( ) been threatened to be kicked out of your house (but I fought with my mother and left of my own accord before they could threaten me.)

Jazz is in Yellowknife. The vets have her, and she's having biopsy surgery tomorrow morning at 9:30 am. I spoke to the vet clinic a couple of times today, they are very sweet, and they said she had 'tried' to bite someone but they didn't think she really meant it. She doesn't like the cage they'd like to keep her in, so they've tied her up to a table leg and they say that seems to make her happy. I imagine that what they're saying by that is that when they lock her up she barks incessantly.

I only knew on Friday that she was going on the plane to Yellowknife on Saturday. I didn't sleep much Friday night, I kept waking up to look at her. She starts her night on the bed with me, lying between my feet until we both get too warm like that and she gets off and lies on her blanket, on the floor next to my head. Saturday morning it was a bit windy but I took her for a walk. Her ears were flapping in the wind but she bounced along for a while.

We called the airport at 2 and were told to come right away. Miguel wasn't quite ready and had to scurry around packing. When we got there Miguel just had to check in and they said bring Jazz back at 3:30 so she could get on the plane. We sat outside in the truck for quite a while, she sat on my lap and I stroked her, and we watched the airport staff going about their business.

I'm not ready. I think they're going to call tomorrow and tell me there's nothing they can do for her, and then I'm going to have to decide what to do next. I don't want her to suffer. But she's been my friend for so very long and I can't imagine life without her any more. It's so hard with dogs, because although she knew I was sad, she didn't know why, and she was excited about going with Miguel on the plane, and wouldn't sit still for me to hug her when he said it was time to go. I don't want to know. I want her to come back, I want them to fix her, I want us to be able to snuggle and go for walks and sleep on the couch on Sunday mornings. I've walked so many miles with her, more than I think I could ever count, eleven years of walking all over Alberta, BC, and Nunavut. She's climbed mountains with me, walked through rain forests and run about madly on beaches, chasing seagulls. We even met a bear, once, just outside Lake Louise. (She didn't even bark). She was hit by a gravel truck when she was about three, and got away with just scratches. Joeby misses her. He keeps wanting to go outside to see if she's there.

Ed says that he lit a lantern for Grannie. Thanks Ed, that means a lot.

A million thank-yous to Sarah from Blogger, who rescued my blog from the accidental "delete this blog" that I performed on Sunday........