Miguel asked me what I'd been doing, while I couldn't sleep. I told him I'd been thinking about being dead. He was a bit alarmed, and asked me if there was anything I'd like to talk about, but there isn't, really.
There's something about the prevalence of darkness that makes my thoughts slower, and closer to something eternal. Add to that the usual clarity that comes with lack of food, and it's been a bit surreal lately. When I say I'm thinking about being dead, it's more that I'm thinking about all the things that no-one will ever be able to understand, the things that have been in front of me but I can't put into words.
Like how the light used to fall, in the alley behind the coffee shop, when I still smoked, and I snuck out to have a cigarette in the late afternoon. And I wished I was at home with my kids rather than making muffins, because time was passing in their lives and I was missing it.
I guess partly because Kirsten's leaving home soon, my thoughts are backward rather than forward. I don't have to think as much about work (I say that, but I woke up this morning at six o'clock remembering a firearms prohibition I forgot to enter) and in some ways I'm trying to make sense of the past so I can move on. Is that possible? I think I'm probably about half way through things now, and although at times I think I haven't accomplished anything, I also want to remind myself that I've had such a varied and interesting life in many ways.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
la la la
Just to add to the fun of court week, which this was, I got the virulent stomach flu that has been terrorizing the town. Monday at midnight I was very sorry that I had eaten a full dinner at 5pm, and by 3 am I was wishing for a speedy death. I haven't eaten a meal since, I've been drinking tea and juice and yogurt Tubes and hoping that this will keep me alive for a while longer. Unfortunately it's hard to sleep on an empty stomach. Food just still smells so terrible I can't see putting it in my mouth...