I want too many things I can't have. I am referring to nothing material, I'm bad at material, I never shop except for food and twice yearly at a thrift store for clothes (if they don't fit, too bad. One of these days those folks who've started that wardrobe makeover thing Kirsten watches will show up at the door, and I'll feed them to the dogs).

What I want is more nebulous. Unfortunately, some of the things I want are more along the lines of wanting to want them. I'd like to have friends, for example, but although I have masses of acquaintances (retail does that) I am very bad at actual friends. I forget to call them, ever; I promise to write and then don't, or just write apologizing for not having written. I never go to people's houses. I guess the wanting is more the wanting to be the kind of person who would cherish friendships, nurture them and so on. People expect things, from friendships, they expect time and energy, and they are disappointed when I don't deliver. Strangely, sometimes I will want to be friends with someone and they will show me, in different little ways, that I'm not ever destined to be their friend. Someone whose name I won't mention told me a few years ago that I was her friend, for a few weeks, and I believed her. Then it came around to her birthday, and she said, "You have to come out with us, we're going dancing." I love dancing. The plan was that she was going to call me that evening and tell me where everyone was going. I washed my hair, and went through my wardrobe looking for something that didn't look as thrift-shoppy as most of my clothing. She, naturally, didn't call.

On Monday, she said to me, in the course of casual conversation, that she and her Friends had had a wonderful time on her birthday, they went out to dinner and then they went dancing. Just her and Her Girlfriends. Ok. point taken. She never called me a friend again, or suggested we go anywhere.

oh, tests are such fun. one final down, one to go.

Today was the Canadian Criminal Justice System. I swear, they did not discuss Jury Nullification in class. And, dammit, I guessed wrong. I said it was when someone got sick. Multiple choice sucks sometimes. There were, and I wasn't the only one to think so, too many "all of the above" answers. I know I got six questions wrong, and a few of them were because I started to feel that NO-ONE would make a multiple choice test with that many "all of the above"s because it'd be too easy, so I started second-guessing my answers. I thought I had five wrong on the midterm, and I turned out to have six wrong. So in this case, I should have seven wrong. Yup, I still obsess about my marks. You think I'd be old enough to know that nobody cares, but it doesn't seem to matter. Give me a subject to learn, and I'll be right there looking for the way to get the A's. Who am I trying to impress??? It's not like anyone but me has ever even looked at my university grades from last time around.