I want too many things I can't have. I am referring to nothing material, I'm bad at material, I never shop except for food and twice yearly at a thrift store for clothes (if they don't fit, too bad. One of these days those folks who've started that wardrobe makeover thing Kirsten watches will show up at the door, and I'll feed them to the dogs).

What I want is more nebulous. Unfortunately, some of the things I want are more along the lines of wanting to want them. I'd like to have friends, for example, but although I have masses of acquaintances (retail does that) I am very bad at actual friends. I forget to call them, ever; I promise to write and then don't, or just write apologizing for not having written. I never go to people's houses. I guess the wanting is more the wanting to be the kind of person who would cherish friendships, nurture them and so on. People expect things, from friendships, they expect time and energy, and they are disappointed when I don't deliver. Strangely, sometimes I will want to be friends with someone and they will show me, in different little ways, that I'm not ever destined to be their friend. Someone whose name I won't mention told me a few years ago that I was her friend, for a few weeks, and I believed her. Then it came around to her birthday, and she said, "You have to come out with us, we're going dancing." I love dancing. The plan was that she was going to call me that evening and tell me where everyone was going. I washed my hair, and went through my wardrobe looking for something that didn't look as thrift-shoppy as most of my clothing. She, naturally, didn't call.

On Monday, she said to me, in the course of casual conversation, that she and her Friends had had a wonderful time on her birthday, they went out to dinner and then they went dancing. Just her and Her Girlfriends. Ok. point taken. She never called me a friend again, or suggested we go anywhere.