as they say, and although I'm still fighting it somewhat, Life Goes On.

today was a better day, no more fighting and not too much drinking.  we went for a walk, saw the peacocks in Beacon Hill Park.  Went to the grocery store and I managed not to want to kill anyone and even bought some food.  Our walk was leisurely, a beautiful day, there were squirrels and dogs for Sam's amusement.  (more about him later).  

I was feeling for a while that I wasn't on the verge of tears but then we got back into the car and Roy turned on the radio.  The song that was playing was Extreme's More Than Words and it was about half over, so the music started exactly at:

'then you wouldn't have to say

that you loved me

cos I'd already know'

and I felt the tears coming again.  I'm sure it was a total coincidence, the universe is full of them, but it was something I needed to hear, anyway.  It doesn't matter that dad didn't say he loved me in our last facetime call, he didn't stop loving me between the last phone call and the end of his life.  

then later I was sitting outside on the steps smoking*.  There's a honeysuckle bush with flowers on it at the bend in the path and as I watched, an iridescent green and blue hummingbird darted over and visited some of the flowers.  Dad loved the hummingbirds, and it was lovely to see it.  Again, a coincidence, but a happy one.  The birds are going about their business.  It felt on the verge of normal, for the first time in a month.  I know things will never be the same again.  The fabric of the universe has a burn mark now, like when you suddenly catch a spark on your clothes by a campfire, but the hole won't get any bigger.  I just have to learn to live with it.  But I'm not going to try to patch the singed place, I'm going to live with it showing on my soul.  Normal is going to be different, but perhaps it can still be good.

I'm tired today.  Bone weary.  I lay on Roy's couch this afternoon before supper, and Sam the dog came and curled up with me.  I drifted off to sleep, quickly and deeply, with his little ball of warmth by my side.  They told me at supper that they had taken pictures and also run the industrial-size blender, but I didn't wake up.

*(yes, I did give it up four years ago but you know, sometimes you just need the chemical crutch to get through the days.  I'm not doing meth so there's that.).